By Candace Y.A. Montague
Domestic violence is a plague in American society. Its roots are deep and can surface in many forms; verbal, emotional, financial, sexual, and physical.
In many ways, this type of violence is also an invisible crime. Often, people are unaware that they are being abused or they are too afraid to face the issue and resolve the problem. An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year, according to "Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey." Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.
Queen Afi Gaston, a trainer, speaker and advocate for awareness and preventive tactics on the issue of domestic violence, wants to change the trend of unreported – or underreported – violence. Her passion for this cause led her to found “Domestic Violence Wears Many Tags,” a Washington, D.C. area nonprofit organization that focuses on domestic violence awareness and the different forms in which it exists.
emPower: What does the "wears many tags" part of the title mean?
Queen Afi: Let’s start with verbal abuse first. I have been the victim and abuser as it pertains to verbal abuse and … the old saying “it is not what you say but how you say it” rings true. Verbal communication is a first impression. For example, you and I are meeting for the first time and instantly I say “What's up ho?” Well at that point you could either retaliate or agree. Verbal abuse is a breaking point on the tags; it determines whether violence will be in your home or your community. People need to be respectful to one another to achieve effective communication.
Then we have emotional, mental, and physical abuse tags, which I believe are linked back to verbal abuse. Our ancestors fought for free speech so black men and women could have rights in this country – not so that we could kill our own souls with words. What we fail to realize as a race is that back in those times we were very intelligent people. We spoke fluent English. Today our children and some adults speak Ebonics, proving that crucial ties have been broken from our ancestors’ intelligence.
emPower: What are some issues you encounter repeatedly with women in violent relationships with their significant others?
Queen Afi: Women and teenage girls are faced with the damage of being controlled and manipulated. Often, they are emotionally damaged, and much of my time goes into transforming their minds from the abuser perspective.
emPower: Do you explore domestic violence from the point of view of the abuser?
Queen Afi: I myself was an abuser, so yes!
emPower: Do you ever have any sympathy for abusers?
Queen Afi: DVWMTs teaches you to single no one out from being abused. We believe abusers were victims, too.
emPower: Can you talk about how the "He Has No Clue" program will work?
Queen Afi: I am willing to come out and teach women (in carious settings) – churches, schools, radio, television –the proper ways to leave an abusive relationship. It is about education and it can take place on a street corner or in a workshop format as long I am able to to educate women on the proper way to leave an abusive relationship.
emPower: What happens during the workshop?
Queen Afi: We will start off talking about why the campaign is taking place, and then educate in a session. We also give out tips to family and friends who tell victims to "Just leave!” Family and friends must stop telling victims to just leave because breaking the control of an abuser can be deadly.
emPower: How do women leave a relationship if they are being abused?
Queen Afi: We want women and teenage girls to devise a plan:
Step 1. Develop a plan. Know you are abused. Understand that you are not responsible. Realize you must NOT let it continue. Plan exactly how you can safely get out of your home. Develop a plan to call for help outside the home (teach your children how to call for help). Make arrangements in advance about where you will go. Have an overnight bag and keep this in mind for your escape kit: get an extra set of keys made, have cash for a cab and or hotel, pack your driver’s license, social security cards, and birth certificates for you and the children.
Step 2. Get out! It is a scary step but it is an act of courage and encouragement for your children that shows them abuse is not okay. Take your children under the He Has No Clue safety plan and leave! They are being hurt if you stay.
Step 3. Seek help. Many of us don’t realize it, but we need help after any type of abuse. Our children need professional help. By facing the truth about abuse it teaches our children what to do in case of an attack – be it verbal, mental, emotional, or physical.
emPower: What are your future plans for DVWMT and how can the community help?
Queen Afi: We educate every month via in-person sessions and we also have a talk show at www.talkshoe.com "ViolenceWearManyTag." We want this campaign to go international we want to make sure we educate and bring awareness to women and teenage girls worldwide. It doesn't matter how we do it; I am hoping that people will read your magazine and start reaching out to DVWMTs for the campaign.
Most organizations talk about physical abuse of women. Well, so do we but we also talk about verbal abuse, self abuse, behavior patterns, and giving people solutions. We believe in showing up in times of trouble and eventually our emergency shelter will house men, women and teens going through an abusive situation. We believe in education, awareness, solutions and prevention. We want our organization to be child-friendly because in this day and age they need to know the all signs of abuse, too.
Candace Y.A. Montague is a freelance writer in Washington, D.C. She can be reached via email at [email protected]
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